Why NOT Me

I suppose it’s natural for people to say “Why me?” when faced with a devastating illness, but my feeling is “Why NOT Me”.  “Why me” implies that someone else should be facing this hideous monster, and I wouldn’t wish this disease on ANYONE!

I was blessed to be able to spend yet another Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family.  All of us were together…every single one of my children and all of my grandchildren…..together…..again!  My heart was full!  After all, I was told that I had 3-5 years to live 11 years ago, so spending precious time with my loved ones is such a wonderful gift.  I realize how blessed I am!  However, we’ve been hit hard lately in the lung cancer community.  Many of my fellow warriors are facing serious hurdles and setbacks.

I was especially devastated to learn of the passing of a friend on Christmas day.  This beautiful soul was the single mother of 15 year old triplets.  In fact, I met her during open house when the kids were in 6th grade because I had two of them in class.  One was in chorus and one was in orchestra and I had the pleasure of teaching them for two years before I had to retire.  (It just became too difficult to manage my cancer and work.) Nathalie and I became fast friends and often got together for lunch. We texted, called and more recently, I visited her when she was hospitalized.  She had a very rare form of cancer and was being treated at Moffitt Cancer Center, but the treatment was extremely toxic and the combination of treatment and the cancer itself resulted in her going into hospice a couple of weeks ago.

I’m heartbroken.  She was young.  She was beautiful.  She left three children who were the center of her world.  However, she is at peace and finally pain free, and for that I’m grateful.  But it begs the question, “Why Not ME?”  The survivor guilt weighs heavily, but I have to have faith and trust that God isn’t done with me yet.  Many things just don’t make sense.  Many things are so hard to understand.  I guess we just aren’t meant to understand.  We must have faith.  Life does go on.



2 thoughts on “Why NOT Me”

  1. Oh my Gosh Melissa,
    Reading your post or blog is so very touching… I am sorry for your friend who lost her Cancer battle and hope her triplets will be well cared for. All the things they and their Mom will miss is just heartbreaking. I have one thing in common with your note, I do sometimes wonder how it is I am still alive? It’s an anomaly – LC 5x, 4 other clashes with Cancer, surgeries, Chemo and every Rad possible, I glow in the light, never mind the dark… I think some people call it survivor guilt… I am not really sure if that is what I have thought of, but I can’t help wondering what it is G-d has graciously kept me here to do, and I pray, regularly, that I am doing “it”, whatever “it” is supposed to be. Happy to see you pass the holidays with your children; I’m so close to my DH, family and friends, I can’t bear the thought of them missing me and of me having to say the long good-bye or so long to them. Bless you Melissa, go with G-d.


    Liked by 1 person

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